Life is a bitch. Then you dice. So while staring at my navel the other day, I decided that that bitch happens in four stages. Here they are.

We are born helpless. We can't walk, can't talk, can't feed ourselves, can't fifty-fifty do our ain damn taxes.

Every bit children, the way we're wired to larn is past watching and mimicking others. Starting time we learn to do physical skills similar walk and talk. Then we develop social skills by watching and mimicking our peers around the states. And then, finally, in late childhood, we learn to accommodate to our civilisation by observing the rules and norms around u.s.a. and trying to behave in such a way that is generally considered acceptable by guild.

The goal of Stage One is to teach united states of america how to function inside social club and so that nosotros can be autonomous, self-sufficient adults. The idea is that the adults in the customs around u.s.a. help us to achieve this point through supporting our ability to make decisions and accept action ourselves.

Only some adults and community members around us suck.1 They punish united states for our independence. They don't support our decisions. And therefore we don't develop autonomy. Nosotros go stuck in Stage Ane, endlessly mimicking those around us, endlessly attempting to delight all so that we might non be judged.2

In a "normal" healthy individual, Phase One volition last until late boyhood and early machismo.iii For some people, it may last farther into adulthood. A select few wake up one mean solar day at age 45 realizing they've never actually lived for themselves and wonder where the hell the years went.

This is Phase One. The mimicry. The constant search for approval and validation. The absenteeism of independent idea and personal values.

We must be aware of the standards and expectations of those effectually u.s.a.. Just we must also become potent enough to act in spite of those standards and expectations when nosotros experience it is necessary. We must develop the ability to act by ourselves and for ourselves.

In Stage I, nosotros learn to fit in with the people and culture around us. Stage Two is virtually learning what makes us dissimilar from the people and culture around united states of america. Stage Ii requires us to begin making decisions for ourselves, to test ourselves, and to understand ourselves and what makes us unique.

Stage Two involves a lot of trial and error and experimentation. We experiment with living in new places, hanging out with new people, imbibing new substances, and playing with new people'south orifices.

In my Stage Two, I ran off and visited fifty-something countries. My blood brother's Stage Two was diving headfirst into the political arrangement in Washington DC. Everyone's Phase Two is slightly dissimilar because every one of u.s.a. is slightly different.

Phase Two is a process of cocky-discovery. We effort things. Some of them go well. Some of them don't. The goal is to stick with the ones that get well for a while and move on.

Man sitting on cliff looking out over clouds

Stage Two lasts until we begin to stitch confronting our own limitations. This doesn't sit well with many people. But despite what Oprah and Deepak Chopra may tell you, discovering your own limitations is a practiced and healthy thing.

You're just going to be bad at some things, no matter how hard you effort. And you need to know what they are. I am not genetically inclined to e'er excel at anything athletic whatsoever. It sucked for me to learn that, but I did. I'chiliad also virtually equally capable of feeding myself as an infant drooling apple sauce all over the floor. That was important to observe out too. We all must larn what we suck at. And the earlier in our life that we learn it, the improve.

So nosotros're just bad at some things. So at that place are other things that are great for a while, simply brainstorm to have diminishing returns later a few years. Traveling the world is i example. Sexing a ton of people is another. Drinking on a Tuesday night is a third. There are many more. Trust me.

Your limitations are important considering you must eventually come to the realization that your fourth dimension on this planet is limited and, therefore, y'all should spend information technology on things that affair most. That means realizing that just considering yous can practice something doesn't mean yous should do it. That ways realizing that just considering you like certain people doesn't hateful you should exist with them. That means realizing that in that location are opportunity costs to everything and that yous tin't have it all.

There are some people who never allow themselves to feel limitations—either because they refuse to admit their failures, or because they delude themselves into assertive that their limitations don't exist. These people get stuck in Stage Two.

These are the "series entrepreneurs" who are 38 and living with mom and still haven't made any coin later on fifteen years of trying. These are the "aspiring actors" who are yet waiting tables and haven't done an audition in two years. These are the people who can't settle into a long-term relationship because they always have a gnawing feeling that there's someone improve around the corner. These are the people who castor all of their failings aside every bit "releasing" negativity into the universe or "purging" their baggage from their lives.

At some point we all must acknowledge the inevitable: life is brusk, not all of our dreams can come true, so we should advisedly choice and choose what nosotros have the best shot at and commit to it.

Merely people stuck in Stage Ii spend most of their time disarming themselves of the reverse. That they are limitless. That they can overcome all. That their life is that of non-stop growth and ascendance in the world, while anybody else can clearly see that they are merely running in place.

In healthy individuals, Stage 2 begins in mid- to late-adolescence and lasts into a person's mid-20s to mid-30s.four People who stay in Stage Two beyond that are popularly referred to as those with "Peter Pan Syndrome"—the eternal adolescents, always discovering themselves simply finding nothing.

Once you've pushed your own boundaries and either found your limitations (i.due east., athletics, the culinary arts) or found the diminishing returns of certain activities (i.e., partying, video games, masturbation) then you are left with what'due south both a) actually important to yous, and b) what you're not terrible at. At present it'southward time to make your dent in the world.

Stage Iii is the bang-up consolidation of i's life. Out get the friends who are draining you lot and belongings y'all back. Out go the activities and hobbies that are a mindless waste matter of fourth dimension. Out go the old dreams that are clearly not coming true any time soon.

Then you double down on what you're best at and what is best for y'all. You double downwards on the nigh important relationships in your life. You double down on a single mission in life, whether that's to work on the globe'due south energy crisis or to be a bitching digital creative person or to get an expert in brains or have a bunch of snotty, drooling children. Whatever information technology is, Stage Iii is when you lot get it done.

Tattooed man with baby

Stage Three is all most maximizing your own potential in this life. Information technology's all virtually building your legacy. What will yous exit behind when you're gone? What will people remember you past? Whether that'due south a breakthrough study or an amazing new production or an adoring family unit, Stage Three is well-nigh leaving the earth a little bit dissimilar than the way you constitute it.

Phase Three ends when a combination of 2 things happen: 1) you feel every bit though there's not much else you are able to accomplish, and 2) you get old and tired and find that you would rather sip martinis and do crossword puzzles all day.

In "normal" individuals, Stage 3 generally lasts from around 30-ish-years-former until i reaches retirement historic period.

People who get lodged in Stage Three oftentimes do then considering they don't know how to let go of their ambition and abiding desire for more than. This inability to let go of the ability and influence they require counteracts the natural calming effects of time and they volition oft remain driven and hungry well into their 70s and 80s.5

People arrive into Stage 4 having spent somewhere effectually one-half a century investing themselves in what they believed was meaningful and important. They did groovy things, worked hard, earned everything they have, maybe started a family or a charity or a political or cultural revolution or two, and now they're done. They've reached the historic period where their energy and circumstances no longer allow them to pursue their purpose whatsoever further.

The goal of Stage Iv then becomes not to create a legacy as much as only making sure that legacy lasts beyond one's expiry.

This could be something as simple equally supporting and advising their (now grown) children and living vicariously through them. It could hateful passing on their projects and work to a protégé or apprentice. It could also mean condign more politically active to maintain their values in a club that they no longer recognize.

Old Woman Praying

Stage Four is important psychologically considering information technology makes the ever-growing reality of ane'south own bloodshed more bearable. Every bit humans, nosotros accept a deep need to feel as though our lives mean something. This meaning we constantly search for is literally our just psychological defence against the incomprehensibility of this life and the inevitability of our ain expiry.half-dozen To lose that meaning, or to watch it sideslip away, or to slowly feel equally though the world has left you backside, is to stare oblivion in the face and let information technology consume you willingly.

Developing through each subsequent stage of life grants us greater control over our happiness and well-being.7

In Stage 1, a person is wholly dependent on other people's deportment and approval to be happy. This is a horrible strategy because other people are unpredictable and unreliable.

In Stage Ii, one becomes reliant on oneself, but they're still reliant on external success to be happy—making coin, accolades, victory, conquests, etc. These are more than controllable than other people, simply they are notwithstanding mostly unpredictable in the long run.

Stage 3 relies on a handful of relationships and endeavors that proved themselves resilient and worthwhile through Stage Two. These are more reliable. And finally, Phase Four requires we only hold on to what we've already accomplished for as long as possible.

At each subsequent stage, happiness becomes based more on internal, controllable values and less on the externalities of the always-changing outside world.

Subsequently stages don't supersede previous stages. They transcend them. Phase Two people still care about social approval. They but care about something more than social approval. Stage Three people still intendance about testing their limits. They only care more about the commitments they've fabricated.

Each stage represents a reshuffling of one'southward life priorities. It's for this reason that when i transitions from one phase to another, 1 will oft feel a fallout in one's friendships and relationships. If you were Phase Two and all of your friends were Stage Two, and suddenly yous settle down, commit and get to work on Stage Three, yet your friends are notwithstanding Phase Two, in that location will be a key disconnect betwixt your values and theirs that will be difficult to overcome.

Generally speaking, people projection their own stage onto everyone else around them. People at Stage One will judge others past their power to achieve social approval. People at Phase Two will guess others by their ability to push button their ain boundaries and endeavour new things. People at Stage 3 will judge others based on their commitments and what they're able to attain. People at Stage 4 guess others based on what they stand for and what they've chosen to live for.

Self-evolution is ofttimes portrayed as a rosy, flowery progression from dumbass to enlightenment that involves a lot of joy, prancing in fields of daisies, and high-fiving ii 1000 people at a seminar you paid style too much to exist at.

Street graffiti showing abstract human portrait

But the truth is that transitions between the life stages are usually triggered by trauma or an extreme negative event in ane's life. A near-death experience. A divorce. A failed friendship or a decease of a loved i.

Trauma causes united states of america to step dorsum and re-evaluate our deepest motivations and decisions. It allows us to reflect on whether our strategies to pursue happiness are actually working well or not.

The same thing gets us stuck at every phase: a sense of personal inadequacy.

People get stuck at Stage Ane because they always feel as though they are somehow flawed and unlike from others, so they put all of their effort into conforming into what those around them would like to see. No matter how much they do, they feel as though information technology is never enough.

Phase Two people get stuck because they feel as though they should always be doing more, doing something better, doing something new and exciting, improving at something. But no affair how much they exercise, they feel as though information technology is never enough.

Stage Three people get stuck considering they feel as though they have non generated enough meaningful influence in the world, that they have not fabricated an impact in the specific areas that they have committed themselves to. Only no affair how much they practice, they feel as though it is never enough.8

One could fifty-fifty fence that Stage Four people feel stuck considering they feel insecure that their legacy will not final or make whatever meaning impact on future generations. They cling to it and hold on to information technology and promote information technology with every last gasping breath. But they never feel as though it is enough.

The solution at each phase is then backwards. To move across Stage One, you lot must accept that you volition never be enough for everybody all the time, and therefore yous must make decisions for yourself.

To move across Stage Two, you must accept that you lot will never be capable of accomplishing everything you can dream of and desire, and therefore you must zero in on what matters most and commit to it.

To move beyond Stage Three, you lot must realize that fourth dimension and free energy are limited, and therefore you lot must refocus your attention toward helping others take over the meaningful projects y'all began.

To move beyond Stage 4, you must realize that change is inevitable, and that the influence of one person, no matter how bully, no matter how powerful, no matter how meaningful, will eventually dissipate.

And life will go on.